Rigged for Failure

“Nostalgia is a necessary thing, I believe, and a way for all of us to find peace in that which we have accomplished, or even failed to accomplish. At the same time, if nostalgia precipitates actions to return to that fabled, rosy-painted time, particularly in one who believes his life to be a failure, then it is an empty thing, doomed to produce nothing but frustration and an even greater sense of failure.”
- R.A. Salvatore

So it appears that there are some things one can't run from after all. I guess that's a surprise, because part of me opted for failure. Part of me was oddly conflicted, probably because I am content with what I have right now. Part of me fears change and the necessary confusions that would ensue.

Perhaps that's why I was surprised when I was told that things would be switching around soon. I know that it should be good news but somehow it feels hollow for some reason. Maybe that's why it seemed to me that I was rigging things for failure in the first place. It's pretty ironic then that during this one time that I had hoped to fail, I succeeded.

I guess things have to move forward at some point. I am not looking forward to regularity, especially since it has never worked for me in the past. I still don't know what I have to learn or re-learn at this new gig. I could only hope I had a say in this before everything went down. J.K. Rowling was probably right when she said that those who are best suited to do something are those who never sought it. More often than not, maybe people deserve the things they tend to shun.

In a way, I envy those who seem to see this as a blessing because I'm still struggling to share this perspective. It might be that I lack vision in this particular endeavor. It could be complacency, because I'm sure this is not rationalization in any of its forms.

I don't know. Off to terra incognita, I guess. I only wish I could have been more prepared, on my terms.

Maybe next time.

NOTE: This was drafted last week. I've had some time to think about things since then and I'll probably post my thoughts some other time.