The Magnificent Tuti

There's an old internet adage about cats choosing their humans.

The lives of street cats in Manila aren't long, and they certainly aren't pleasant ones. The city can be a dark, terrible, empty, wet place filled with people who only yearn for fancier breeds much like they yearn for designer goods and whatnot.

The first time we met you, my girlfriend fed you outside the apartment, much to my disdain. This became an increasingly frequent occurrence, despite the fact that we sometimes saw you being fed and cuddled by neighbors outside (much to our bewildered amusement). Slowly but inevitably, however, you wormed your way into our hearts.

We rescued you, perhaps in the nick of time, after you were abandoned and wounded and most likely left to die like many of your kind. I personally nursed you back from the brink. That month when you went from a skeleton to a ball of fur will forever be a warm memory that perhaps proves I'm capable of doing some good in this world. That month when it was just you and me started a bond distinct to us both.

Who knew you'd grow into a bundle of eccentric joy?

Cats certainly have unique personalities - something one would know if they've been around them for long enough. You were lazy, but had frequent bursts of energy. You were patient, always silently waiting for your bowl to be filled behind all of your other companions. You loved cheek scratches, and had this weird glitch where you'd lick the air whenever your lower back was rubbed. You were snippy at times, but almost seemed like you wanted to be paraded around while being carried like a baby. You blepped when you were idle and it was the most adorable thing.

These are moments I will miss.

Sadly, it was never really meant to last. FIV is a real bitch. I guess it was inevitable, but we never thought it would happen in these trying times. We were fighting incredible odds. I hope you felt comfort and love and contentment in the short time you spent with us.

Like the first time we truly bonded, it was once again just the two of us in a small room with me holding you in my arms. That final hour we spent will stay with me for a very long time - with me comforting you and telling you it was okay, that you were always a fighter, that I was there and won't leave you again. You certainly didn't need my permission to cross over, but it felt like you did.

Maybe that's the toughest, most painful part. To have someone I cared for pass in my arms. I felt your last breath. I felt you let go. I don't think I've ever broken down like that. It is a small mercy that you waited for me despite the suffering. In your last moments, you still managed to capture my heart.

I don't think I'll ever know if pets are sentient like humans are. Yesterday will always be a point for that argument, at least for me.

"Hinintay ka na lang nya."

I heard that phrase a lot yesterday. It wasn't the first time I did, but it was the first time I felt how powerful those words can be. 

Your passing made me feel a raw, scorching pain I've never felt before, and I dread that I will inevitably feel that pain again as the years go by. Right now, the mark you left feels painful - an abrupt void that will take time to heal. Only time will tell how indelible that mark will be.

Right now though, it feels like a space was left empty and cold in my heart.