On Trainwrecks, Gratitude and the (Shitty) Year That Was

First photo of my 2020 camera roll. Hang in there, buddy.

Saying this year has been difficult is an understatement of epic proportions.

Just one blow after another, not counting those that we’ve all been experiencing for the past how-many-months-now. Unemployment at the start of the year, followed by over nine months of doubt, fear and all the crap that comes with it amplified by our current situation. Frequent night terrors, and maybe a bit of depression mixed in. The occasional bout with sleep paralysis - something I thought I’d never experience for myself. A million other annoying or sad or miserable things that lived rent free in my head for years, long suppressed and only resurfacing in the midst of all this chaos.

Lastly, the ongoing collective experience of the vast majority of the human race right now: being stranded in a terrible and seemingly unending nightmare with seemingly a very distant end in sight.

Absolutely exhausting, to be honest.

And somehow, I’m still one of the fortunate ones. Maybe that’s an understatement too. My struggles pale in comparison to innumerable others who have lost so, so much more than what I could possible imagine.

There’s a lot of things I’ve taken for granted over the years. If there’s anything good to come out of this pandemic, it’s that a lot of excesses and useless things have also been stripped from us. The grueling daily commute, the things that fed our materialism and vices, the huge reduction of passive acquaintances. In exchange, we’ve been given time - a LOT of time - to pursue hobbies, to have meaningful conversations and to nurture all the things that matter to us on a personal level. We’ve been given time to reflect on our lives and hopefully get an idea of what we truly deem valuable in life.

In a way, most of us have been given a chance to regain a bit of our humanity back. Enough, for me at least, to realize what I’m truly thankful for not just this year but for the past decade or so of my life.

A precious, beautiful, patient gem of a girlfriend who has done nothing but wonderful things throughout what might be the darkest period of my life so far. A loving (and sometimes annoying) family who often made an effort to check up on me, even if I chose to keep a lot of my personal troubles out of sight. The weirdest, most diverse (separate) groups of friends who have provided me with meaningful conversation (and even more trash talk) and kept me sane, grounded and engaged in what few hobbies I still have.

And a higher power who I hope still has plans for an exhausted trainwreck like me.

I wonder how selfish I really am, because I’m often only the most thankful when I’m somehow saved from being knee-deep in shitty situations. In any case, I'm thankful that I'm mostly unscathed and still relatively well.

Sometimes, we need to take what small victories we can. Low-hanging fruit and all that.

So yeah, what a shitshow dumpster fire of a year. Hopefully we’re nearing the end of this tunnel.

Later!