Monday, April 18, 2016

To Anxiety and Beyond

They say that video game addiction is pure escapism - that there's something about real life that makes one spend hours upon hours avoiding it.

Maybe I'm still trying to figure out what I'm mentally running from - or maybe it's something I already know deep down and I'm just in denial trying to shield myself from realizing it. If there's anything I know with absolute certainty, it's that I'm in desperate need for a change.

What change that is, of course, is still up in the air (although I have a pretty good idea of what it probably is).

We spent a couple of days in my happy place recently - doing stuff like picking grapes, going to the beach and other whatnot that my younger self would have foolishly taken for granted. In that brief weekend, I felt a sense of relief I haven't felt in months. There was a mixture of fleeting sadness and disdain at the end of the trip because there was a real life we had to go back to. Perhaps the longing for an escape has grown into its own vice - a vice that I don't see myself trying to fight.

I've been waking up much earlier for the past few days (and dreaded the sheer notion that I'll need to will myself awake weeks beforehand). I've also been playing a lot less video games for a while now, for what that's worth. Maybe it's because my time for meaningful (or senseless) conversations, much needed sleep and winding-down-stuff have been cut drastically that I can't fit in some things anymore. In that time, I've learned how to play D&D (another thing my younger self would have scoffed at). I've cooked an awesome batch of hotpot. I've been trying to get myself started on doing a few crafts again.

People need little victories every now and then.

It's that pathological itch for learning rearing its familiar head again. "That's a good thing", someone once told me, or rather, someone told themselves while we were in a conversation. Without much choice in the matter, I agreed.

I feel like I'm at a different level of anxiety lately - the kind that ties the stomach in knots every waking moment and makes one reconsider their life choices. I remember a story about one of my college friends. Shortly after we graduated, he got a job at a call center, called it quits after mere days and returned to school to take a second degree in the medical field. He never looked back, and back then I wondered why anyone would make such a mistake in life.

These days, I know that it was I who was wrong. Four years are nothing compared to the rest of one's lifetime.

There are two more important things I've learned so far since then.

First, life is too short for us let our mistakes run too long. More importantly, life is long enough to allow us to correct them and live the rest committing more meaningful ones.

1 comment:

  1. "First, life is too short for us let our mistakes run too long. More importantly, life is long enough to allow us to correct them and live the rest committing more meaningful ones" - this is a a scary and comforting reminder at the same time.

    Got myself anxiety issues that needed (slight) medical attention last year, it was a difficult time, I don't remember what helped me, but I think no one thing did. It was a series of encouragement from different people and waking up everyday despite feeling shit and scared of what the day will bring - AND a lot of asking for help.. hope you get things sorted out soon, harvin! if not, writing and drinking calming tea helped me, haha! can also try zen! :)